Radical Renewal

Life is so short. Life is so fragile. Ever think about how much longer you have on this earth? Ever think that you could die any day, any minute? How would you be remembered? 

I worry about this. What if what I'm doing is not enough? Am I serving enough? Am I loving enough? The easy answer to these questions is no. There's nothing I can do to be enough; God is Who's enough. He sent His Son Jesus to be enough for me. I am nothing. It is by God's grace that I will live eternally with him. I can't help but think though, what impact, what impression, am I leaving on this world? 

There are times where I get a glimpse of how different my life would be if a close friend or family member died. It terrifies me, yet it comes up a lot. There's nothing I can do to prevent them from dying, but I can enjoy them while they're here. And I can tell them how much they mean to me. I find a loss for words when I try to tell my friends my life would end if theirs did. Call me clingy, but I love SO many people. I don't have to know you very well to earnestly care about what's going on in your life. My heart aches for people I can't help, for people that were made "different" than what we would consider "normal." 

I want to stop living for myself and start living for what's worth it. I don't want to live selfishly. I don't want to be a "lukewarm" Christian. I don't want to live in worry. I want to trust that God knows what's best for me. I want to trust that His Will will be done. I want to love others and serve others, because Jesus came not to be served, but to serve. I want to be the light of Christ. I want others to see Him through me. I want people to come to Jesus. 

So maybe this is my Christmas wish, or my New Years' resolution. I don't know. I just want to start living radically, and for a purpose. Revival starts now.

"So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

Revelation 3:16 

"The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it. the world and all who live in it."

Psalm 24:1

Why Christmas Can Be the Most Lonely Time of Year

Around Christmas, many of us are preparing by decorating, getting the tree, buying presents for our family and friends, going to church amid a busy schedule, and baking cookies. We go out to coffee with our friends to get the limited time Christmas drinks. We drive around looking at lights with our friends. We go see a holiday concert at a local high school. We do so many things with the people we know and love.

From the inside, this is all such great things. Spending time together, enjoying each others' company, celebrating the Christmas season. You might even throw in a service event in there for people that are less fortunate: Feed My Starving Children, Toys for Tots, Operation Christmas Child, etc. From the inside, you're doing everything right.

From the outside though, it's a completely different world. You see people getting coffee together, yet you go alone. You see people going to church together, yet you are the only one going to church today. You see "white girls" baking cookies together and having a good time, but you're at home baking them all alone. Being on the outside is lonely.

You see lovers spend time together at the Holidazzle or visiting the big oak tree in Bloomington covered in lights. You witness couples making gifts for each other, then exchanging them. You see couples cuddle up with each other by the fire and watch Christmas movies. You see long distance couples get a chance to see each other for the first time in months, because that's their only Christmas wish.

From the outside, it is so easy to be alone during Christmas. I'm not cuddling up by the fire, watching a movie with my lover. I'm not celebrating two Christmas' because I'm dating someone. I'm either working, studying, or watching Netflix. :)

I'm not the only lonely one during this time though. There are many people who have to spend Christmas alone. There are elderly who have lost their husband or wife. There are children who have parents in prison. There are military families who won't see their dad this Christmas. There are homeless who don't even have a family.

What about them? Who do they have? What do they have to look forward to this Christmas?

Christmas is the celebration of Jesus' birth. God sent Jesus into the world through Mary. Knowing that Jesus came for a purpose, to save us from our sins, gives us hope. We aren't alone this Christmas. We have Jesus. And because of that, we should never have to feel alone.

I Could Through Him

I recently read the article called "God Will Give You More Than You Can Handle." In short, this post says that whoever came up with the phrase "God won't give you more than you can handle" obviously is living in a different universe. God will give us hard times because it's in those hard times that we realize we need God. If God didn't give us more than we could handle, we would be able to do everything on our own, and that's not God's plan for our lives. We learn so many lessons from each hardship that we endure. And when we ask God to be with us through it all, our relationship with the Lord grows ever stronger. "God will give us increasingly more than we can handle so that He, in His infinite grace, can root out our sin and replace it with a deeper love for Him and His strength" (Kristen Leigh Evensen). The writer's points were all very valid and I encourage you to read the post. 

This summer, I experienced many situations where I could not, by my own reason or strength, do it on my own. I needed God. One example occurred toward the end of the school year when I found out that my school was offering a summer math class to get ahead. I really wanted to do it, but I also realized that my worst grades all year were in math. I was very skeptical and kept going back and forth. Yes, I even made a pro and con list. Eventually, I agreed to keep with it. Here I am, with one more day and one more test left. I have had to retake a couple tests here and there, but overall, I couldn't be more proud of all my hard work. There were countless times where I did not know the material and thought I never would. There were times where I would finish a test and think, "I know I didn't do so hot on that test." Through this experience though, I found myself praying to God to help me and to carry me through it all. He answered all my prayers. When I thought I didn't do so hot on a test, I would find out that I did just fine. When I was feeling down about a previous test, my next text would be 100%. To me, these are mini-miracles. Mini-miracles are what strengthens my relationship with the Lord. It's when a mini-miracle happens that I fall to my knees and cry because God is SO, SO good. So yes, taking a full year math course in 4 months was something I could not handle on my own, but with God I have overcome the challenge and strengthened my relationship with Him. 

In Good Times and Bad

One day I'll be rejoicing in happiness and the next I'll be crying about something that happened at school. One day I'll be unapproachable and the next I'll be walking down the hallways smiling at everyone I know.

As a sophomore, I never thought that I was going to have a very exciting year. We are still underclassmen and don't have much power. We usually aren't captains. We are still fairly new to everything. We generally aren't the best at what we do, because let's face it, you get better with time. Teachers say they care about the sophomores the least. We aren't thinking too much about college yet, but school isn't all fun and games like it was freshman year. Sophomore year is kind of an awkward in-between year.

Walking into school as a sophomore, I didn't have very high expectations for the year. I was planning on doing track and field, while keeping up with my studies. Sounds kinda boring, right? Well, as the year came to a close, I realized this year has been fantastic and I can't keep from sharing all my successes.

My first great adventure actually started a few weeks before freshman year was over. My friend convinced me just to go to the cross country meeting to check it out. I was very skeptical at the idea of running again (I ran in middle school). Captain's practice started the first Monday after school was out, and I decided to go. That first day was hard. I didn't think that I was going to get very far with running. I vividly remember one pretty talented runner, running {and walking when I couldn't breath} a shorter distance with me, and encouraging me that it gets better with time. Throughout the summer, I ran a few times a week with the CC girls and it did get easier. Even while I was running in the summer, I didn't know if I wanted to commit to running in the fall. And I still never really committed, it just kinda happened, I guess. I exceeded the distances and times that I thought I could make. I ran each race significantly faster than the one before, giving myself a new PR almost every race. I only had one bad workout day, and my coaches were right there to pick me up and tell me that it was just one bad workout, that all my other workouts were always great. Looking back, I barely remember the pain and soreness that I got from running. What I do remember is being with a great group of girls who cared about me and how I did. All those runs, spaghetti dinners, and long bus rides together make for a great deal of memories. At the banquet, I was given a plaque stating that my teammates voted me as Most Improved Runner. It was truly an honor.

In October, I decided to run for a Committee Head position in Student Council. Being only a sophomore, I tried not to get my hopes up. I prepared a speech and was ready to share it with everyone in the club on election day. So few people wanted to be a Committee Head that I got the position right away, being the Committee Head for Community Service. I was stoked.

In December, my mom made an appointment with my oral surgeon to get 5 of my teeth removed. When surgery day came, I was not terribly nervous. I did everything I needed to do to prepare for that day. After surgery, I went home pretty tired and with a numb mouth after being drugged. I slept, laid in bed, and watched netflix the rest of the day and the day after. I only ate soft foods like mashed potatoes, ice cream, pudding, applesauce, and yogurt. When I returned to school on Monday, my mouth was really sore, and I was very irritated. With time, the gaps where my teeth were healed and the stitches dissolved.

In February, application sheets were being handed out for National Honor Society. Looking at the application, I knew how much work I would need to put into it in order stand out from my peers. I had to get countless amounts of signatures from teachers, coaches, and other adults. I had to find and remember all the community service work I had done. I had to answer essay questions to the best of my ability. It took a lot of work, but I finished it and turned it in, a little skeptical after seeing some friends' applications. A few weeks later, I found out I made NHS and was beyond excited for what was ahead.

In March, band auditions started. Auditions are always a pretty serious and nerve-wracking time for band students. Originally, for the scale audition portion, I thought we were only supposed to play 6 scales. I thought, "Wow! This should be easy!" But the day before my audition, I found out I am supposed to play all 12, something that wasn't made known to me. I went into my audition, told my director how I didn't know, and preceded to play all 12 anyway. At the end of my audition, he told me, if I wanted, I could have a second audition to try to improve. I agreed and ended up getting a higher score the second time. Even with my second scale audition, I messed up on 2 of my favorite scales and got really frustrated with myself. When the atude music for the second half of my audition came out, I looked at it and it looked really hard. I tried playing it at home and I just couldn't figure it out. I ended up having my friend play portions of it just so I could hear how it sounded. When it came time for me to perform the songs along with a sight-reading piece, I tried not to be nervous and just be confident that I was ready. After the audition, I was pretty neutral. If I made the top band, awesome. If I didn't, cool. I would be fine with whatever. Three days before we were supposed to find out what band we made, the director of the top band came up to me and said that he really wanted me to be in his band, but I would have to work really hard. I told him that I was up to the challenge, and left school that day in utter excitement, literally shaking.

In the middle of May, it came time for the Student Council election of officers. Most officers are elected as incoming seniors, so I didn't really know if I should have filled out the application. I asked a few of my student council friends to see if I should just try. They said yes, so I filled it out, and turned it in. It seemed like the advisers really wanted me to fill one out, too. On Election Day, there were 6 people running for only 4 positions. I was the only sophomore running. After listening to a few of the speeches of the people in front of me, I knew I should've prepared more. I did my speech, and hopefully touched a few of them. After everyone did their speeches, I knew that three of the girls were obviously going to make it. We other three would be fighting for the last spot. Originally the advisers were going to call us to tell us the results, so I was waiting for a call during the next few days. Turns out, they were going to announce it at our end of the year party. I was pretty upset by that. I didn't want to go to the party just to find out I didn't make it. Luckily, there was a track meet that day, so I used that as my excuse as to why I couldn't go. Earlier that same day, one of the advisers texted me to meet him in his office. I got there, and he wasn't there right away. I noticed two other girls that ran for officer, and started talking to them about the election. One girl asked me if I was nervous. I said no, partly lying. After the bell rang for us to be in class, he finally showed up. He called us all into his office and said, "Congratulations! You are all officers next year!" Man, man, man... I did it! I was so excited and I get to work with some of the nicest and smartest people next year in student council. I am one of 4 people in all of the high school that gets to lead this group. I was informed that I am the first junior to be officer in over 4 years. It was such an honor!

Around the same time was applications for Fellowship of Christian Athletes. This was something I was confident in being a part of. I turned my application in, and a few weeks later we had the interview. I felt like the interview went well, especially for being so last minute. On May 19th, at our last FCA huddle, I found out that they didn't cut anyone and I was going to be one of the FCA captains for next year. As you can imagine, I was pretty relieved to find out I made that too.

So overall, I had a pretty fantastic school year to say the least. And through it all, I had God by my side to rejoice with me when I was happy, and someone to hold me when I didn't get everything I wanted. I couldn't be more thankful to call Him my Best Friend. :)

I Can't Do it All

I realized something today... I can't do it all. I always want to be better than everyone around me, even though I've already failed at this. I surround myself with 4.0 students, and I work really hard to be just like them, but I can't. I can't do it all. I can't be in band, keep myself healthy by being in sports, have a social life, be involved, have a job, and get perfect scores on every tests. I just can't do it!

I can't take every honors and advanced class I want to because maybe my brain just isn't at that level yet. And maybe I can't handle the stress either. Because lately, I haven't handled stress that well. I freak out and avoid people when I can.

I can't do it all because I'm only in high school, and I'm supposed to be enjoying it, right? Not just freaking out and stressing about everything. I should be working on bettering myself, and getting depression or high blood pressure from stressing too much isn't making myself any better, {even if I haven't gotten those side effects yet}.

I can't do it all because I know that I'm not spending enough time with God, and that upsets God. He wants me to be in His Word every day and talk to Him on a regular basis, but with so much to do, it becomes easy to push Him aside. And that's not right. I should start with God and work my schedule around Him.

So maybe I can't do it all. Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I can't always do what I want. But in the end, is any of this going to matter in heaven? No, and that's why I need to be more focused on God to understand His plan for me.

Fear of Failure

The thing I am most of afraid of is failure. It haunts me. If I make a huge mistake, that mistake will stay with me forever and haunt me in my dreams. I strive to be a great person, and I strive to do my best in everything I do, but sometimes, it doesn't work out. But that's okay! 

We all fail daily. God gave us the 10 Commandments, yet we disobey Him every single day. There isn't a day that goes by where we don't fail at something. We aren't perfect. What's great though, is that Jesus came down from heaven to save us from our sin. To redeem us from our failure. He showered his grace over us. Jesus conquered sin so that we can live with Him in eternity in heaven. 

Proverbs 24:16 - "Even if good people fall seven times, they will get back up. But when trouble strikes the wicked, that's the end of them." (CEV) 

After failing something, we ought to look past it. Dwelling on the past won't get you anywhere. With God by your side, you can look past your failure and learn from it. He is there to protect you and help you. Don't continue to do the wrong thing. Get back up and learn from your mistakes. Acknowledge your failure, then work on improving yourself. Remember, God is just a prayer away to help you out! 

Jeremiah 8:4-5 - "The LORD said: People of Jerusalem, when you stumble and fall, you get back up, and if you take a wrong road, you turn around and go back. So why do you refuse to come back to me? Why do you hold so tightly to your false gods?" (CEV) 

Just because you tried something and failed, doesn't mean you're a failure. God has a plan in store for you and this is just part of His plan. Failure can be a stepping stone toward success. Your failure may have closed a door, but a new one may also be opening. And that could lead you to something even greater!

High School Relationships

Earlier today, I saw an old picture of some friends from homecoming, just last September. Then, I started noticing all of the couples. And I noticed the couples that were together then, but are broken up now. And that got me thinking.

In those past relationships that I have seen crumble before my eyes, it was always the girl that broke up with the guy (aka, the girls' fault). There was a significant difference between those who broke up and those who were still together. There wasn't real feelings between the two that broke up. They were just using each other to have fun. And that concerns me. You can have a lot of fun without being in a relationship. In the world's view, the whole idea of dating is to have fun, but personally, I think dating is a lot more than that. Dating should be a time when you try to get to know a potential future spouse.

High school. They were only 15 or 16 in the picture. We are still maturing, young adults. We have so much we can/could do before we engulf our whole life around a relationship. There is so much life to live! There is so much growing to do!

So why not take a stand and just save yourself from heartache? Why not just "be friends" with the opposite sex? High schoolers are still so young!

Now don't get me wrong, I am the first person to say that high school relationships can turn out. My oldest brother, who is probably the first dating couple I ever really knew, met his fiance freshman year in high school, started dating sophomore year, and are getting married after they both have graduated from college, which is this October. But having a high school sweetheart is the exception, not the rule.

Ladies, we need to wait for boys to become men. We need them to have a steady path in front of them. We need them to know what they believe and why they believe it, before they come after us. We need to respect them {and ourselves} by wearing appropriate clothes. We need to stop "test driving" relationships and just wait to have God write our love stories, instead of us trying to figure it out on our own.

So until you meet "Mr. Right" or "Mrs. Right", why not take some time for yourself. Travel the world. Accomplish everything on your bucket list. Get to know God like He's your best friend. Spend Friday night with your buddies. Get a steady job. Graduate. Work to be the best "you" you can be. And when the time comes where you meet your future spouse, you'll have lots of stories and experiences you won't regret. Because let's face it, you'll be spending a LOT of time with the person you'll marry!

Who Am I?

What are you good at? If someone asked what you are best at, what would that be? I feel like this question often gets asked to me. Who am I? What do I do? The honest answer... I don't know. I'm not one thing. I'm a mix of a lot of things. I'm like a 3rd graders lunch: a mixed everything, just to see if it tastes good. And this is something that bothers me.

I have brothers. I have friends. I have acquaintances. And they all have something in common: they all have one (or if they're lucky, two) things that they are really good at. Some people are super smart. Some people are great on the basketball team. Others it's the math team or band. The thing is, I'm not one thing.. and that just bothers me. I want to be an expert at something. Just something. I work so hard at everything I do, but there just isn't something that defines me. I'm not the smartest, I'm not the most athletic, and I'm not the best flute player. And although I know that I will never be the best at anything, I at least want to be the best in my "group", in my grade, in my school. Every time an award is given out to someone, I get jealous. Super jealous. If they've won an award, they've done something right. They've worked their butt off in something that means something to them, and surprise! Someone noticed. Noticed. What an interesting word. I always wonder if I'll ever be noticed for something. Will I get the band scholarship? Will I be nominated track captain? Will I win the AAA (Triple A) award like my brother did? Because if I win one of those, then I'm being noticed. Then, I'll be doing something right. But my brain likes to think that if I don't win, or if I'm not the best, that I'm worthless. And that is far from the truth.

 Luke 12:6-7 
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. 

God takes care of all the birds, all the trees, all the wildlife, and He will still take care of me {and you too!} I am more valuable than sparrows. God knows everything about me. He made me perfect in His eyes.

Psalm 139:13-14 
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 

My worth does not need to be found with earthly things. I don't need to be nominated for captain to be loved by God. I don't need to be the best at something because God is the best for me. He will provide and take care of me. He knows my future, and I trust Him. I trust that His plan is better than mine. I trust that He will never leave me nor forsake me. And if you're struggling with the same problem as me, I encourage you to meditate on the two verses above. You ARE loved. You ARE valuable. You DO have worth.